


almost like a promise

by laurahughes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Vulnerability, some vague mentions of Red Room and brainwashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 10:25:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13456275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurahughes/pseuds/laurahughes
Summary: Well, that’s Maria Hill; a woman of few words who values gestures more than she values promises. But when her left hand traces Natasha’s jawline and tips her head to press a delicate kiss to her forehead, it almost feels like a promise.





	almost like a promise

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: some very vague mentions of Red Room and brainwashing

Natasha doesn’t remember much from her childhood. She has memories, plenty of them; she also knows most of them are fake, whether partially or entirely. It’s too dangerous to lose herself to this game, to try and separate the fake from the real. She’s fallen down this rabbit hole plenty of times before. She went on missions, tried searching for ghosts and long files written in Russian that may have been just as false as her own memories. She fought a war against her mind and emerged with bruises on her fists and blood upon her clothes.

No, it’s much safer to admit she doesn’t know the first thing about what happened to her.

Some days, she thinks it’s easier. She watched Barnes’ face as he read his own file, she has seen what it did to him to find out the truth behind the red curtain. She wonders if there are trigger words for the Black Widow out there somewhere.

‘I thought you decided you were done with that,’ Maria replies when Natasha finally gathers the courage to say it aloud.

They’re sitting in Maria’s apartment on a rainy afternoon. The New York apartment, of course; Maria has dozens of apartments all around the world, in every city where Fury has one. Natasha’s only been to three of them but she keeps a list. Maria gave it to her as a birthday present a few years ago.

Christ, they’re messed up.

‘Yeah, well,’ she sips her wine and pretends to inspect her fingernails. ‘Barnes is bringing up some chapters I thought I closed a long time ago.’

It’s quiet for a while after that and Maria doesn’t make a sound from where she’s still researching one of Fury’s long-cold trails on her laptop. Natasha pointedly doesn’t turn around to inspect this, giving Maria plenty of time to gather her thoughts and come up with a reasonable answer. Natasha never enjoys this; those long, tense moments when she puts Maria on the spot and forces her outside of her comfort zone. Natasha understands emotions, knows how to console people and what to say to make them feel better. Maria was trained in combat, firearms, and statistical analysis, not human emotions and manipulation.

Suddenly, she hears Maria slide out of the chair. A moment later she feels cold, strong hands come up from behind her and rest on her shoulders. She leans into the touch and Maria starts rubbing circles on her neck.

Well, that’s Maria Hill; a woman of few words who values gestures more than she values promises.

But when her left hand traces Natasha’s jawline and tips her head to press a delicate kiss to her forehead, it almost feels like a promise.

 

* * *

 

 

They don’t spar together very often. Natasha spars with Barton and Steve and Barnes and Sam, but she doesn’t like the thought of fighting Maria. It’s too real, somehow, and she doesn’t trust herself enough to even consider it.

Barton once confronted her about it. He asked if she was worried she’d accidentally hurt Maria, or if she was scared she’d subconsciously pull her punches and not be able to fight her properly. Natasha is not sure. She doesn’t care to find out. There are some things which are better off unspoken, after all.

She likes watching Maria spar, though. One time she finds herself observing a match between her and Wilson. It’s almost mesmerizing how similar their fighting styles are; both indicating their military past, all clear punches and quick, strong kicks. Inside of the gym, they’re equals, both losing and then winning some rounds. If this was a real fight, Maria would win. Unless Sam had the wings on.

Later, they all head to Sam’s apartment. Maria goes to pick up Steve and Barnes from Stark Tower, leaving Natasha and Sam alone with ingredients for a dinner for 2 supersoldiers, 2 regular soldiers, and one spy. It’s mostly meat, pasta, and a whole lot of beer, really.

‘Your girlfriend can throw a mean punch,’ Sam says as he’s chopping tomatoes.

Natasha looks at him with amusement.

‘She’s going easy on you.’

‘She is?’ Sam scoffs with a hint of a smile. ‘Jesus. Good to know.’

‘ _You_ went easy on her, too, Wilson. Don’t think I didn’t notice that.’

He laughs at that, all loud and sincere. It’s one of the things Natasha likes about Wilson; how easy it is for him to laugh without faking it.

She thinks back to what Barton said, a long time ago. If she tried to fight Maria, would she go easy on her the way that Sam does? Would she be too scared to kick Maria in the shin, to block her punches, or to throw her against the mat like a doll? Would Maria then suspect that Natasha was pulling her punches because she didn’t think Maria was a good fighter? Or maybe Natasha would accidentally lose it and squeeze her girlfriend’s neck just a little too light, until Maria finally realised the woman who slept in her bed was a wolf in sheep's clothing?

The door opens and Maria enters, Steve and Barnes walking behind her like guard dogs, both carrying bags with even more beer. Maria’s hair is lose and soft, such a contrast to her typical tight buns that it makes Natasha want to run towards her and gather her in her arms.

‘That smells nice,’ Maria says.

Natasha smiles. She really doesn’t have to know everything.

 

* * *

 

 

They’re bound to get hurt sometimes; they’re only human, unlike some of the annoying fellows they have to deal with these days. But it always comes as a shock to Natasha, watching Maria fall to the ground or be carried away and patched up by paramedics. Natasha forgets that underneath Kevlar, strong arms, and lean muscles, Maria Hill is just like any other human.

Weak.

Maria was shot in her left thigh, thanks to a Nazi with a really shitty eyesight. That alone wasn’t that big of a deal; it's just that the injury caused her to stumble and fall out of a window from the third floor of a Hydra base. Sam wasn’t around to catch her, too busy taking out guys trying to get to Captain America, and of course Natasha doesn’t blame him.

But at the same time, as the doctor tells them about Maria’s broken ribs and a fractured lung and a possible concussion, Natasha can’t help but think Steve would fight off these injuries in a couple of hours. For Maria, it’s going to be weeks.

‘Don’t get so protective of me, it’s bad manners,’ she says, rolling her eyes.

Maria Hill is the only woman Natasha knows who can roll her eyes whilst sporting bruises and multiple fractures and still look intimidating. Well, kind of intimidating.

‘You’re the one who fell out of a window in the middle of a gunfight. Talk about bad manners.’

She says it to clear the air but doesn’t actually expect Maria to laugh. The sight is hypnotizing; Maria’s head turns, black greasy hair against a white pillow and bloody lips raising in a wild smile. She looks like a wolf, Natasha thinks. All sharp teeth and red edges.

‘God, I love you,’ she murmurs.

It’s not the first time she’s said it, not by a long shot. They’ve exchanged _I love you’s_ on a few memorable occasions before, but it’s never been like that. It’s always happened when they were on equal footing, both bloody and bruised after a mission or both soft and happy in a cosy bed. It’s always been the result of shared situations and emotions. _We’re happy, I love you. We’ve both almost died, I love you._

It feels different, this time. It feels weak and Natasha knows how hard it must be for Maria to allow herself to be weak in front of anyone.

‘Um, should we give you two some space?’ Barnes asks, somehow sounding both uncomfortable and amused. Natasha doesn’t turn around but she can hear three sets of footsteps leaving the hospital room.

She takes Maria’s hand and returns her smile. Natasha watches as she closes her eyes and starts to drift off. Maria’s always been a woman of few words. She thinks words are fragile, mean something else to everyone, and they feel forced and artificial. So Natasha doesn’t say _I love you_ back, just keeps stroking her hand, almost like a promise. _I promise to love you too_.

The hospital room smells of clean sheets and medicine and reminds Natasha of something from her childhood that definitely did not happen but is still sealed inside her mind forever. She thinks of red spiders and wolves with sharp teeth. She thinks of trigger words and ballerinas. She thinks of dark hair and cold hands pressed against her bare shoulders. She wonders if they can keep doing this forever or if one of those days the curtain will finally break.

No, she doesn’t have to know everything. She strokes Maria’s hand again. Almost like a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> in case it's not clear, this is post cap2 except cap3 did not happen and bucky is coexisting happily with steve and sam
> 
> the mention of wolves is a nod towards that famous black widow quote: 'there are wolves in the night. and there are stories about wolves and girls. girls in red. all alone in the woods. about to get eaten up. wolves and girls. both have sharp teeth.'
> 
> and the reoccurring 'she doesn't have to know everything' bit is a nod towards nat's 'i only act like i know everything' line from cap2. it's very symbolic in my mind. hope u like it too
> 
> i love soft vulnerable natasha. and i love natasha/maria. i just want them to be happy. byeee


End file.
